QUT farewell

I need to blog about this because it was something very special and very dear to my heart.

I attended the QUT cohort 4 farewell party on 4 Novemeber 2009. Little was expected from the farewell party as my mind was mostly occupied with everything about curriculum comparison. The only expectation I have of the farewell party was.. food.. Malaysian food for that matter.

I was not even bothered to dress up nicely *simply grabbing a top and pairing it with black pants*

But the event was one that I will remember for the rest of my life. There is no words that can express how I felt at that moment.

The acappella performed by various ones in cohort 4 and cohort 5 was simply.. awesome.. I have never really enjoyed any singing performance in my entire college or uni life so much.. I mean, they are really good stuff!!!

Bob Elliot did a speech and he even acknowledged the outstanding results of two students who did very well in the cohort. Knowing that I was one of them, my heart was fluttered with excitement.. It's not everyday that you can be acknowledge in public.. especially for outstanding results in a foreign country *proud*. Jo did a speech with poise, as Jo usually does. We watched some videos and the memories of all, together, sharing life in this foreign land, the love I receive and give.. My tears were streaming down the cheeks.. And I saw Jo too, wiping tears off her eyes..

Jan recited a poem she wrote for us. It was very Jan-like, with all the "out of the world" descriptions about us *we are her possums.. what a nickname rite*. Towards the end of the poem, her voice changed.. and she was struggling to finish the poem in sobs.. That moment, my tears went out of control.. Kak Fad and Nisah were frantically fanning me *I certainly do not know the relation between fanning and stopping someone from crying* before my tears came pouring down like rain.

How much can a lecturer love her students, of different race, different beliefs, different country and sometimes naughty enough to cause lotsa troubles for her.. The answer is, love is not measured by words or actions.. The depth can only be measured by time and heart.

I have never really shared a super close bond with these lecturers but the love and encouragement that I receive from them.. To offer me accommodation and encouragement when my household situation arises.. To tell me that I'm loved and capable when I did not do well.. To assure me that I have potential to go further when I could not see the path ahead of me.. Sometimes people love you but when you do something wrong, they withdraw the love.. But these lecturers, they have never withdrawn their love to care for us, guide us, despite how we disappoint them sometimes..

Jo & Jan, thank you for showing your parental love for me.. I can never repay this kindness but I will pass it on, to love my students in the future.

Because you are so much better!

Yesterday I did not do well in the exam, last minute preparation and I did not give my full commitment to study for it. I felt awful the whole day. Some people might say "hey, you always get 6 and 7, it's alrite to get 5 actually" or "you are smart, perhaps you will get 6, don't have to worry!'. It's not like my aim to study is to collect good grades, there's more to it.

I know that the chance for me to get another scholarship to further my post grads in overseas would be.. as slim as.. lidi.. I'm saving every penny that I have earnt for future studies. But I do hope *very very very much* that I can get scholarship from other countries so that I won't have to fork out alot of money.. And the criteria to get scholarship requires me to obtain first class in my bachelor. Jo said I am.. like.. another 0.1 to getting the first class.. I really don't want to ruin everything..

I talked to Jo after the exam, feeling.. very down. Had a good chat about future and studies and she told me this, that really encouraged me "Do not let anyone tell you that you can't write well because you write beautifully and I certainly love reading your essays" she further added "Not many people in this programme can write like that but you are certainly one of those who can really go so much further in studies! You must do post grads!"

AWWWWW.. Isn't that sweet? It really lifted up my spirit.. *FYI: I love to be fed with praises and love and presents*

I will do post grads and I will remember the encouragement and wisdom you have imparted to me. Thank you Jo!

one month before Goodbye

Last time I used to write "a month after reaching Brisbane" but today I will write "a month before leaving Brisbane". I have been waiting for this time. I anticipate, jot down in my diary, calendar, repeat it over and over on my MSN shoutout and now I'm going to post an entry about it!

I loved this place but it is time to go back. I have no desire to stay here, other than to do my postgraduate course. There is seriously no place like home. Despite all the challenges and family conflicts back in Malaysia, I still want to go home. Brisbane is like a place I take refuge in, until I have gathered enough strength to face challenges back at home.

I'm obviously more cheerful these few days. Assignments almost done, time drawing near. On 1 Dec, I will touch down in KLIA and Ben Ben will be there to fetch me and a new chapter of my life will begin! \(^.^)/

I want to thank everyone that has moulded, encouraged, spurred me to press forward with their kind words, encouragement or even selective watching. I have learnt alot and these memories will always be in my heart, for the rest of my life! Definitely!

All the best to my friends in Brissie. Goodbye.

A day like this

4 am in the morning, I was comtemplating if I should visit him in hospital before he gets discharged. I was wondering if he is in pain, if he needs another pillow, if he needs any company. I checked all the bus time table to go to the hospital, 5.30am? 6am? There's a more convenient bus coming at 7am. But nah.. I will take the earlier ones and walk there. But my heart was really heavy, should I or should I not? I went to sleep anyway.

In my dream, I woke up late and did not manage to catch the bus. I got somebody to pick me up. But I was stopped halfway by a leader. She advised me not to visit him. "But after this I won't see him anymore!" "Kelsey, there are certain things that we need to follow in this group" "I never like those rules in the past and I still don't like them now!" The image became blurry and all I could remember was, I did not see him.

5.50am in the morning, I was suddenly awoken. I looked at the watch, it was already 5.52am and the bus will arrive in 5 minutes. I changed and put on my contact lens *the process was so smooth.. normally I take around 10 minutes to put them on*. By the time I got ready it was 6am. I tried my luck and ran to the bus stop. I was in time. The bus arrived and I got onto it.

I stopped at Normanby fiveways and walked 900m to the hospital. My heart was pounding. Have I not woken up by 5.50pm, I can never make it and probably I would cancel the trip altogether. As I was walking, my heart felt so heavy. I really want to give him a great big hug and tell him how much it hurts my heart to not be able to be there for him.

I arrived at the hospital at 6.20am. "what if the parents are there?" "probably I will just say Hi and pass him the fruits". I got into the lift and within seconds I was at forth floor. I walked into the ward and saw him, lying there, did not seem better than I last saw him. He turned and was glad to see me. "Did you get my message?" "No. Did you send me one?" MSG: bud *sent at 6.10am* I smiled. Time like this. I'm glad that I was there for you when you thought of me.

I'm more than happy to be there for you, anytime, anywhere.

I want a life

I have been thinking.. really seriously about my future.. What will I do in the future, which path will I choose, how would I achieve them..

I want to complete my bachelor studies, serve the government long enough to pay my debt then further my studies in other countries.. Will get a scholarship and study until PhD *fingers crossed*. I will have a loving family and I want it to be a God loving family *that my household will choose to serve the Lord*. I wish to have a husband that is God-fearing and able to lead me in my walk with God *in case I emo, he is able to help me to walk right with God again*.

I want to pursue righteousness in my life. I do not want to go to sleep every night knowing that I have failed God. Though God is merciful, I should not take His grace for granted. I have failed so many times, again and again and again. Everytime I hate myself even more. This vicious cycle needs to stop, the history is repeating but I want to stop. God, give me the strength to stop everything.

I want a life, a God-led life.

Don't look back.

I remember hearing this before: The only way to move forward is to not look back.

Don't look back at assignment that you did not do well but try your best in the next one.

Don't look back at what you did because your sins are forgiven.

Don't look back at what other people did because you ought to be forgiving.

Don't look back at where you were last time but try your best to be where God wants you to be in the future.

So many times I looked back, kept looking back, trying to revive that passion, that zeal, that sweet spirit. In the end, I was trapped in self-condemnation, knowing I can never revive that feeling anymore.

And this self-condemnation is dangerous, it makes you feel so worthless, it makes you think that other people do not love you, it makes you become resentful towards life.

I often see myself as the girl in the famous "everything - lifehouse" play where the hooded, faceless evil one with long hair *reminds me of eva.. :P* passes me a knife and asks me to slit through my wrist *don't worry guys, I'm not that.. emo..*. The vicious cycle, having different ones to trash my self-esteem and disappoint me, man.. life sucks..

HOWEVER, today I'm happy to find that I do not feel emo despite something happened in the afternoon. I went to bed and that seems like a clever way to calm myself. (^.^)

Well, that's a good start, ain't it?Now, I just need to work towards putting an end to this emoness. Think about Sydney, Melbourne & Korea trip!!

Anyway, I got a new hair cut. Usually I cut my hair when I was in the mood to break up with my then boyfriend.. Silly girl rite.. This time, I cut my hair because they are no longer soft and silky.. But I did cry later that night and got my heart broken because of somebody.. aiyyooo.. indeed memorable.. Anyway, lotsa people say I look great in this new short hair. (^.^)

Let me revive my 18 yr-old-look!

*Some people said that I look like a school girl in this hair style*

*I was quite loved by alot of people back in college - Hijrah & me*

*Brian & me - one of the very few friends from secondary school that I still love to this date*

Farewell

We had a farewell party for Jordan last Wednesday. He is a very cute friend of mine, he is like.. a little brother that I never had. Sometimes there are just some people that you may not know for long but they just clicked with you almost instantly and a month of aquintance would feel like a year.

For me, it's always.. hard to say goodbye.. to a good friend. I remember how sad I was bidding Lucille, Felicia and NZ gang goodbye, when Ben Ben left Brissy and now, little Jordi..

I know I will see my beloved NZ gang soon and Ben Ben when I reach KL on 1 Dec but I wonder when I will meet this little brother again *Sandakan trip perhaps*.

Well, just a small but genuine dedication to little brother, Jordan Tsen.

I will always remember that
1) you look like a vietnamese *so dark!!*
2) you can moonwalk very well
3) you promised to invite me to your wedding
4) you always ask me not to be emo
5) you can eat A LOT of salmon sushi *try other sushi la*
6) you have lactose intolerance *cannot belanja you easy way in Msia, too bad..*
7) you cook the best imperial chicken *because I don't know who else can cook that*

and last but not least

you are like the little brother that I never had.

Bye bye Jordi!!

Continue to grow and seek God for the direction in your life. All de best!! When I meet you again in few years time, I hope to see a mature man in God yea!

- Kelsey Jie Jie - :P